


Shatterpoint

by Morilinde



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, Gen, Implied Levi/Erwin Smith, Levi-centric (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Multi, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 22:55:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5266946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morilinde/pseuds/Morilinde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the events in the manga chapters 71-72, the story begins two days before the planned excursion to Shiganshina and Erwin's final endgame.  Levi must come face to face with the demons that have been slowly breaking apart the sanity of his shadowed soul.  But when the steam and ash of that fated mission clears, what will become of him... and who will be left standing?</p><p>This is in part a writing exercise, inspired by a musing on tumblr about the slow, progressive derailment of Levi in the canonverse and his need for development.  Implied one-sided Erwin/Levi and possible future Ereri.  No flames, but please comment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shatterpoint

*Shatterpoint*  
Chapter 1 - Prelude

 

The light flickered from within the glass globe of the kerosine lamp, illuminating the room only minimally, but more than enough for eyes accustomed to darkness. After the past weeks of sleepless nights and scheming, running, loss, and bloodshed, the shadows seemed fitting. Everything in his life at this moment was cloaked in shadow except for the glimpses of his face in sunlight when necessity demanded it to his squad, or when someone poked a familiar head in or Erwin sent a courier. But darkness had always been the domain of the sleepless. It was comfortable as anything could be, his first and only ever-present companion.

Levi held the steaming cup of black tea balanced carefully in his fingers, its edge just touching his lips for a moment as his mind re-traced every word and action of the past weeks. He sipped the tea slowly, letting the strong and slightly bitter notes linger on the tip of his tongue before letting it trickle back, savoring the warmth, the nuttiness on the back end. Tea in and of itself was a luxury he should not be able to afford often on a captain’s salary, but he did. And every leaf was meticulously kept and used without waste.

Tea. Rare and bitter. Warm and strong, even though Levi remembered with irony that the first time he had tasted it, it reminded him of tears. That he had long ago stopped tasting after his mother’s death. He had learned at a very young age that tears had no purpose, and would not help him survive. That said, there were times, many many times in his life, when he had wanted to cry and could not. In truth, it was when he grieved the most that he could cry the least. And with the deaths of so many friends, one after another, he wanted to weep. God, he wanted to cry his fucking eyes out, if it would release some of the pain, but it was no use. There was never time to mourn, and it would not bring any of them back. Humanity’s strongest physically could not weep, even when he wanted to.

Grey eyes shadowed by loss of sleep lingered on the small wooden box that sat on the table beside him, the one that had been thrust into his chest by the very man who had days before tried to kill him. His thoughts toward Kenny were... complicated. On the one hand, the man had saved his life and taught him everything he had learned to survive. He had been the only sort of father figure he had ever known, and then one day he was gone. Only to resurface decades later as a murderer for the crown. And to what end? If Levi had simply had different luck or a different set of events, if Armin had not found the courage to fire that shot, Kenny would have won the day and all of Levi’s kids would be dead instead. In the end, all of life was like one of Erwin’s damn gambles, and even if the dice were loaded in your favor, nothing was ever absolute.

Levi sipped his tea again and stared at the bed that he should be lying in, its corners neatly tucked and sheets pristinely clean, even though he never slept there. He brought one leg up to his chest, resting his arm and the teacup on his knee as a quiet sigh escaped him. It was no use lying down. Sleep simply would not come to offer relief any more than tears. Oh well. That was not new. Thus, tea.

Another sip, and he turned his mind to more important matters. If, how, and when to use a vial of titan serum was foremost. He had once put near implicit trust in Erwin, and had followed his basic orders without question, although at many times he had simply needed to rely on his own judgment. Now... well, that was complicated as well. Historia was on the throne, the rule was in the hands of the military, particularly certain key members of the Survey Corps. And then Erwin had given him this. Kenny’s last words echoed in his ears. He was right. Who could be trusted with something so powerful? Knowledge of it would be temptation to who knew how many. Could he trust himself in making the judgment call when the situation called for it? After a moment, Levi blinked tired eyes and reached over, flicking the small latch open with his thumbnail. The aroma of the tea filled his nostrils as he took another long drink and opened the case. He lifted the vial in his small hand and shook it slightly, watching the liquid swirl inside the glass. “Erwin, you fucking shithole,” he muttered out loud, furrowing his brows and his lips tightening into a true scowl. He closed his hand around it and set down the tea, the fog of exhaustion coalescing into a headache.

The rap of knuckles came on wood, and he glanced at the door. Too soft to be a courier, too polite to be Hanji. Levi rose to his feet to crack open the door and blinked in surprise. Bright blue eyes met his own from the other side and held them for a long moment, neither of them moving as both men read each other’s faces. Then Levi took a step back and simply let the door swing open.

Erwin followed quietly, ducking slightly, though the doorway was tall enough. “We need to talk.” He closed the door behind him.

Levi’s cheek twitched, a sharp answer on the tip of his tongue, but for once he restrained himself. Visits to his quarters had never happened in all of the years that he had known him, and it was foundational in their friendship that Erwin give him the privacy and respect that he required. Thus, he knew that the reason for Erwin to be here was more important than he could make light of. The captain poured a second cup of tea and set it down in front of his friend and commander. “You should be in bed,” he said simply.

Erwin raised one of his thick brows, studying him as he sat and loosened his bolo tie slightly. “Have you slept at all?”

Levi snorted indelicately and returned to his chair. “I always sleep like shit.”

There was a pause. Then the deeper seriousness that he had come to know from his friend appeared in his eyes where there had been pleasantry as Erwin noticed the open case of serum on the table. “You know that I meant what I said. I can think of no one else we can trust with that serum more than you. Especially now.”

Trust. How did he put faith so easily in things?

“You would say that,” Levi said quietly.

 

Silence. A sip of tea. 

Erwin regarded the familiar face of his comrade and friend, noting to himself with something that was not quite pride that he had chosen wisely. For here, indeed, sat one of the most dangerous weapons humanity had ever possessed. He had taken a great chance on them, on Hange and Levi both. With Hange, he had expected nothing less than the brilliance with which she used her ruthlessness and intellect to expose the corruption of the central MP to the public. He had long been grooming her for leadership. But Levi… knowing his history and his disposition, giving Levi his last mission while Erwin himself was in chains had been a gamble that made even the Commander hold his breath. 

It was not that Erwin didn't trust Levi's judgment. Rather, that Levi did always trust his own, and thus deferred responsibility as often as he could to Erwin. The commander knew that trusting Levi to lead his squad against the Central Military Police during such an uncertain time for everyone was playing dangerously with a mind that was balanced carefully on the edge of a knife, especially when so many lives had been lost in utilizing and then later retrieving young Eren. Levi was not over the losses that his choices had ever influenced. Not any of them. Every choice was hard, every loss torture. Levi would always say “no one can know the outcome”, but Erwin suspected a piece of Levi still blamed himself and always would. His last orders before they parted for those weeks had pushed his friend harder than he had ever been pushed, no doubt to the brink of sanity.

“I do *trust* you, Levi,” Erwin said, after a long moment of silence. “More than anyone. And I respect your input. I realize I put much responsibility on you, but you have never once let us down, and neither do I question your methods.” 

Levi glanced in his direction with a frown. “You realize that your praise means absolutely shit to me,” he said. Sip. He glanced away again. The captain held the cup carefully in his fingers, burying himself in the tea and breathing the vapors. It was a meditative behavior of his, no doubt something he wasn’t even aware of doing.

Erwin tilted his head up slightly and frowned himself, picking up his own cup of tea. Personally, he didn't care for it, but still he took a sip. “You are still angry with me,” he observed.

“Yeah. I am. But I have said it a hundred times. You gamble too much, Erwin,” Levi answered frankly. “Too many lives are lost. The stakes are *too* high! I have always respected your ability to look beyond the concerns of common men to see the larger picture, and have chosen to follow you when the cost is high because I believe in the greater vision you hope to achieve. And I would never compromise you by questioning your orders in front of my squad.” Here, the captain sat up and set down the cup, meeting Erwin’s gaze. “But I find myself wondering something. What we have to do is necessary for the fate of the world, but do you truly move your pieces to that purpose or is it also your addiction to the damn game?”

“If you didn't already know the answer to that, you would have already stopped me a long time ago,” Erwin countered sharply.

Levi shot him a look that said volumes. “I still think I should break your legs. And your hips too, so you can't even strap yourself to a horse. We need you *here*.”

The blond commander glared at him, returning his cup to the table with a solid thunk. “Dammit, I am a warrior above all, Levi! You of all people know what that means! If I must die, then I will fight among my brothers and give them their best chance of success. And you will need me on the battlefield. We are going up against potential enemies we know nothing about. This is the mission we have lost so many lives for. This is the answer to why my father was killed, what the Titans really are fighting for. This is the most crucial move we have ever made, and now more than ever I need to be there to lead my men! Besides, there is still fight in me yet. And if I am bait, I know you can use me to kill as many enemies as we need to. It’s an acceptable sacrifice!”

“No!” Levi shouted, louder this time than in the briefing room, and he stood to his feet, the violence of his anger flashing to his face in a way Erwin had not seen outside of battle. “Shut up and listen, you shitting son of a bitch!”

Erwin blinked in true surprise at the outburst. “Levi...”

 

They stood facing one another over the table, shadows dancing on their faces. Levi felt his chest rising and falling heavily, his fists curling and fidgeting as he strained to subdue the force of his anger and... something else too. Foreboding, though he feared nothing. The power of it all but took his breath away, enough so that he took that moment to rein himself in and actually consider his next words. “Your problem Erwin” he asked quietly, proceeding then without giving him chance to answer, “is that you don’t see *what* you are. Your brain is stuck so high in the clouds that you don’t get it. Any of us would go where you said go, do what you said to do. Not out of obligation. Not out of the shared desire for freedom that drives us all. Not out of the rage or basal need to fight till our dying breath. It’s because of our love for you that we follow you, and because you can see avenues others can’t. You are not replaceable, do you understand? Losing you is not acceptable sacrifice!”

It was a moment before Levi noticed that Erwin had no immediate answer to this, and that his lips were parted and sadness had taken the place of surprise on his handsome features. The captain withdrew then, turning away to the window to study the small sliver of moon that would be completely gone in two days, at which time they would move out for Shiganshina.

“You are so certain that I will die this time,” the commander observed then, a hollow tone in his low voice.

“You lost your arm, Erwin. Your 3DMG will be so limited that if anything comes at you from that side, you won’t be able to evade and even I can’t always be there to protect you.” Normally, Levi wouldn’t have bothered explaining it, but after his outburst his frustration left him that much more raw.

There was another beat of quiet consideration, then he heard the shift of the chair and scuff of leather boots on wood, and he felt as much as heard his approach. After a moment, Erwin’s hand touched his shoulder in a gesture of the intimacy of their friendship that had grown over the past years. “It’s as you once told me. Nothing we do in this cruel world is certain. We don’t know how long we have, so we fight with all of our heart and soul to live for one more day. Personally, if I am to meet my end, I need to go down fighting. What about you? What would you do in my place?”

Levi closed his eyes and his head hung slightly, shoulders drooping as his shoulders loosened in an exhale. Deep within himself, he knew he had already been defeated by those words, conceding as usual to this one whom he had come to trust and need so much.

“Levi.” The captain shook his head, until Erwin said it again, firmer, demanding an answer. “*Levi*.”

He licked his lips, and answered low. “I would fight.”

There was nothing more to say, no further argument that he could give. The room lapsed once more into quiet, both men at last understanding one another. Levi turned to face him at last, and bowed his head in aquiescence. The commander answered with a single nod.

Levi drew a deep breath and studied Erwin, taking in the pinch of his heavy brows and the glint of fire from the kerosene lamp off his hair. This brilliant life that could be snuffed out tomorrow in a heartbeat like a fast-burning flame. Every day, it was the unspoken understanding of all in the Survey Corps that every one of them would die violently at some point. Every day of the past years had been borrowed time for all of them. Yet even so, that knowledge did nothing to ease the sorrow in his soul in that moment.

It was untrue what most of those he had served with said about him, that he was cold. Levi did not get close to anyone because he had learned a long time ago that if he allowed himself to care, he would care too much. And the world was too fucked up and merciless for a gentle heart. Unfortunately, he could not stop caring, despite it all. He cared about whether or not Eren felt overwhelmed by his own responsibilities. He wanted Armin to see his frozen seas and fields of burning sand, and worried about whether or not Connie would find a way to bring back his mother. Whether or not he could admit it out loud, in his own way Levi cared for every one of them.

But not the way he needed Erwin. And he had run out of time.

“Erwin,” he began carefully, his voice low as the commander turned to go and he looked away himself. He would never be able to speak if he saw those blue eyes watching him. “Before you go, I need you to know something.” He hesitated. This was something he had never said before, and he didn't have the commander's gift for speech.

“Oh?” Erwin asked quietly, pausing in the doorway.

Their gazes met and locked. *I love you*, Levi thought silently, unable to form the words then, though they hung on the tip of his tongue and his heart ached like someone had stabbed it through with a cold blade. *I love you, you god-damned idiot. I can’t go on without you. Even I’m not that strong...* Kushel, Isabel, Erd, Gunter, Petra, Farlan, Mike. So many he loved, their memories the pain that fueled the fire of his fury. But just once he wished for peace, for someone to grow old with, for dreams he could never ask for or be worthy of. His head fell, throat tightening painfully, and his eyes closed.

“What is it?”

“If... you’re going to hope to survive, we need to make some modification to your gear,” Levi said at last. It was not as if his confession would change fate now.

Erwin watched his friend’s face for a long moment. “Get some sleep, Levi,” he answered then, simply. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And without another word, he departed.

Levi did not know how long he stared into the empty space after that, trying to think of anything, any way to postpone the inevitable. But there was none. Erwin was every bit as stubborn as he was, if not more so. It was that very strength and purpose that had drawn him to follow this man. And even with gear modification, the likelihood of survival of a multiple-day excursion all the way to Shiganshina, now deeply locked in Titan territory... No. It was no good thinking defeat already. If he entered a fight expecting to lose, they really would be slaughtered. This time he really did have to be humanity’s strongest, for Erwin, for Eren, for all of them. He had no other choice.

But for how much longer? He was already cracking under the weight of it all. And when he broke there was no one who would be able to save him.

He glanced one last time down at the vial of titan serum before closing the box. No, he would not accept defeat, not even with his dying breath. They would make it to Wall Maria and find the secrets in that basement this time. They had to. Too many lives had bought this one chance.

“No matter... the cost,” he whispered.

*

They stood together on the white crest of Wall Rose two days later, bathed in the last red rays of evening, a corps nearly 50 strong with their horses preparing to make the descent into the night. From below them echoed a roar of cheers, the cry of humanity for victory from hundreds of voices within the walls. Such a sound had never before been heard in all of recorded history, and it all but brought tears to their eyes as the men and women of the Survey Corps shouted back with all of their might behind the single upraised fist of their commander.

Levi glanced down at the people and then back at Erwin without a sound. Never had he seen such fire in his eyes. Was it hope or madness? They were essentially the same thing these days. Even Hanji stood silent and sober beside him, and the tension and excitement and nervousness that surrounded them was thick enough Levi could taste it. All of the hopes of humanity were pinned on them now. Damned selfish people indeed.

Erwin drew his sword with his left hand and swept it high and to the side. His voice rattled and echoed across the streets and whitewashed stone. “The operation to retake Wall Maria begins! For humanity! For all those we have lost! We will not let their sacrifice be in vain!”

Levi clenched the satchel on his belt within the confines of his cloak and stood beside his commander and squad as the cold wind lashed their faces and he gazed out beyond the wall toward the setting sun. The last light shone like fire off the river, the shadow of the forests beyond, and the glimpse of wild, free country where the birds soared, unhindered. It was beautiful beyond description, so beautiful that he held his breath. Moisture pricked his eyes as the emotion of the moment was not lost even on him.

“Captain?” Eren called from behind him a moment later.

He looked at his squad, memorizing their faces one last time. Sasha, Armin, Mikasa, Connie, Jean, and Eren. He had no words for them, no inspirational speech about hope. Only a silent vow to avenge them when the time came. “Well? Stop standing around already,” he groused at them, after a beat. “Get on your horses. We’re leaving.”

As they shuffled to obey, Levi turned then for one last glance back at the setting sun as the lengthening shadows finally reached the wall. He drew a deep breath of cold wind. Then he too followed as the horses and men began their descent over the other side of the wall toward the moonless night ahead.


End file.
